Attending Your First Kink Event

Congratulations! You have developed your confidence, and worked on your risk aversion enough to buy a ticket to your first kink event. But what now?

Every possible scenario is running through your head, from the most romanticized versions of the upcoming night, to the worst possible faux pas that will surely blacklist you from the kink community forever. Not to worry! It's human to feel nervous about doing something new and exciting. And God willing, this guide with help channel your anticipation into some actionable way forward, and help you make intentional choices about how you can show up feeling great.

Making a Plan

Consider the following: How do you usually show up to parties and other social events? How do they feel to you? What are the events that you enjoy, and what are the usual challenges you face? The answers to these questions can often carry over to making a supportive plan for your first kink event, and helping you choose what event might fit your interests and comfortability best. Do you prefer an event with a shared activity? Structure? Or something more free flowing? A performance to watch? Large events, or something more intimate? Browse and read the information provided, making sure the event seems aligns with you. There are munches, kink or sex related classes, kinky retreats or workshops, play parties, kink raves, fetish nights at sex clubs, and lots more. Fetlife can be a great way to find out what kink events are happening in your area. Now, the planning part:

First, who are you going with? Showing up solo to a kink event is usually permitted, but I would not necessarily recommend it, unless you really enjoy going to events by yourself, and are secure in doing so. Bringing a friend can be a great supportive choice: you can get a drink and watch the party together, plan to play together, and you have somewhere soft to land if you choose to explore alone for a bit. If you are attending without an emotional support person, what self care measures can you put into place (knowing your particular personal challenges)? Perhaps you'll plan to go for an hour, dip your toe in, and then treat yourself to your favourite meal after.

Secondly, what are you wearing? As most kink events have dress codes, you will need to plan an outfit that suits the event. Usually a dress code will have some flexibility in their options, so that you don't need to make a huge investment in order to attend. At the bare minimum, black clothing with a harness on top will do the trick (and you can get harnesses very cheap online if needed). Remember, whether you have the expendable income or not, a thoughtfully curated outfit can be a great conversation starter. It will also display your emotional investment in the overall experience of this event.

Thirdly, what are my/our expectations? Which brings me to the next part:

Setting Realistic Expectations

Setting realistic expectations can help you create some intentions for the night, as well as plan options for when things don't go exactly to your liking. I might ask: Why do you want to go to this event? What do you want to get out of it? Are these desires achievable at a first event (hint: probably not)? Are there other options that might be more realistic, and overall better for you & the community (hint: yes)?

We are all thinking it: The reason you want to attend a kink event is probably because you want to engage in some sort of kink play, or find kink partners. Technically, there is kink play and/or sex permitted at many kink events, but I'm going to explain why it's important to show up WITHOUT the expectation to play. Because the reality is, that it's incredibly rare (nay, near impossible) for a single person to show up to a party and immediately engage in play. Even if you are patient, and hope for this to happen at your third, fourth, fifth party... the only way to make this happen is developing your kinky communication skills and actually asking for what you want, in a non-creepy way. More on that later.

What I instead would recommend, is setting your expectations and focus to things like watching the performance or the other people playing, dancing if you're at a rave-type event, having a drink (or snack if it's a munch), simply hanging out in a kink dedicated space, having a couple short conversations, or introducing yourself to a few people. If you come with a partner or friend, play is much more of a realistic option, but still not guaranteed. I would recommend that you two talk about the possibility for play beforehand, as well as what other non-play options are available if you are both not feeling comfortable enough. Celebrating the small wins, enjoying the offerings of the event you're at, and focussing on community rather than trying to hook up, is going to be especially important early on in your kinky journey.

Accepting No’s Gracefully

As kink spaces are consent forward, you will need to ask first before engaging with anyone. And because most folks attending a play party are going with friends or partners, it will be very important to show up with your core rejection wound nice and healed. If you start talking to someone and they exit the conversation earlier than you'd like, you simply cannot take it personally. If you ask to buy them a drink and they refuse, do not let it ruin your night. If you ask someone to spank you and they politely say no, you should thank them for telling you, and walk away unbothered. Does this sound emotionally risky to you? Maybe. But no one at a kink event is responsible for you keeping you company, entertaining you, or giving you attention. Not even the people working the event (please do not monopolize their time either).

The aforementioned creepy behavior I mentioned? It usually has to do with being in someone's personal space when you are not welcome there. If you ask and they say "no": Walk away, and do not ask again. If you get a "maybe" of any kind: I would suggest leaving the ball in their court. Tell them you will be around for another hour, if they would like to connect. If you get a "yes": You are only getting a "yes" for what was propositioned. I would still err on the side of giving this person space after you've played, or chatted, or shared a drink together. You could give them your social media and permission to DM if they'd like to connect in the future.

Something that may be helpful: People say no for a variety of reasons. Even if they are unattached, some people are only there for social reasons, not play. If they are interested in play, perhaps they are not interested in play with strangers. Maybe they're not interested in the type of play that you're suggesting. Perhaps it's their first kink event too, and they're not comfortable playing yet. Maybe they're a veteran kinkster, but don't play publicly. I have personally refused play because it's too loud, or it's too dark. I have personally bowed out of conversation with a stranger due to a low social battery. People attend kink events for a variety of reasons, and it's important to understand that they are on their own track for the night, that is separate from yours.

Here's the added thing about accepting rejection with emotional maturity: it's a major green flag. If you show up in kink spaces long enough, giving the community time to see you as a respectful and self regulating individual, you will slowly start to get approached (vs doing all the approaching). Patience is key, and people can feel where your intentions are. If you are looking to satisfy a quick fix, a kink event is rarely the place to do it.