The 10 Building Blocks of Kink

There can be many layers, aspects, or access points to kink. Because we are talking about kink play, we will use toy building blocks as a metaphor: Some of us choose to play (or naturally operate) with a limited set of building blocks. Some folks want to use different colours or sizes, depending on the day. Maybe the goal is to build a tall tower with as many building blocks as possible. Or perhaps you just have a favourite one, that you've had as far back as you can remember, and it's more like a fidget toy that you stash in your pocket for easy access.

All ways to play are valid. So, what do the building blocks represent?

In this context, the blocks are all the different aspects of kink play that might be happening during a kink scene: From the physical, to the emotional, to what's being said, to what's going on inside our head. Determining and communicating what building blocks we typically play with (or are drawn to playing with) can provide some great headway to understanding both our own kinky experience, as well as each other's. I have highlighted ten building blocks for this article.

Physical Activity

The physical activity refers to the sensation that's happening to your body, or the sensation that you are giving to someone else's body. Each physical activity has a range of intensity and texture, and often you can experience a couple different physical sensations at once. For someone who like to focus on this as a building block, you can plan your kink scene by talking about what activities you both like to do, and work from there. Some folks engage in BDSM for the physical sensations only, and this is totally valid.

Fantasy

A fantasy draws on the imagination, and can include a specific narrative or situation, nuanced characters, and activities that may or may not adhere to the confines of reality. The building block that tells you what you find interesting or desirable in your imagination is an important one: What is great about fantasy is that it is limitless. Bringing it into reality means that are limitations to consider, for instance flexibility, gravity, consent/comfortability, accessibility, and a lack of complete control over what happens. For someone who wants to centre fantasy in their kink play, you can brainstorm together how to translate the fantasy into reality.

Power Dynamic

Though power dynamics can be very nuanced and catered to the individuals, they all have one thing in common: There is some sort of power being exchanged (one person has more of it, and one has less). This could be static, changing, temporary, long lasting, it could exist 24/7 in their relationship, or in scenes, or just moments. People who are power dynamic forward might be less concerned about the specifics of their play, and more concentrated on a dynamic of ownership, service, worship, caregiving, following ritual and rules via a contract, and more. In planning a scene, you might want to ask your scene partner "What does a Dominant do (according to you)?" Or "What does a submissive do?"

Intention

Intention can be two-fold, and generally describes the "why" happening within kink. If we talk about the intention within the fantasy, you can ask yourself: Why is this character doing what they are doing? For example, why is the Teacher spanking the student? If we consider the intention in the reality of the play partners, we might consider why we are drawn to a particular kinky activity on a particular day. Are we using it as a de-stressor? A way to connect? A catharsis? Intention can frame everything that happens in the scene, or give it context. People that are intentionality forward, are more concerned about the "why" rather than the specifics of the activity.

Embodiment

Embodiment in a kink context refers to feeling grounded in your body, and taking time to relax the nervous system. Embodied play can lead to more impactful experiences with physical activity, access to your emotions or altered states, and connection to your environment and play partner. Exercises to help you get you feeling more present in your play might be body scanning, eye gazing, visualization, connecting to your breath, consistency for the senses, or via movement or touch. People that are embodiment forward might enjoy a relaxed atmosphere and shutting their brain off over quicker, intellectually stimulating play.

Emotion

How do you want to feel? And how do you like to get there? This question can get at the building block of emotion. Perhaps it's a safe space to feel fear or apprehension, or feeling desired, helpless or vulnerable, powerful, used or useful, challenged, mentally stimulated, your authentic self without judgement. For someone that is emotion forward, they might not be so interested as to the specifics of how or why they get there. Or they may have a detailed fantasy or reference framing their desired emotion, with the details sometimes being a means to an end.

Dirty Talk

Dirty talk includes any words, names, or phrases intended to engage erotically. Folks that are dirty talk forward, usually have words or phrases going on in their head, even if nothing is being said. If someone is focussed on the dirty talk during kink play, you could start by asking them questions surrounding what they would like to hear, or what they would like to be called. For a more nuanced understanding, you could ask about the energy the dirty talk is carrying, the intention or subtext of the dirty talk, or the way the dirty talk makes them feel.

Reference

Some people have very specific reference material for their kink. Meaning, they may be erotically focussed on a certain piece of media or lived experience that is deeply impactful to their sexuality. It could involve sense memory or sensory references, clothing/hair/makeup or other aesthetic elements, a specific character or scene premise, and usually have roots to when they first felt sexual feelings. If this is the building block you or a partner is playing with, it can be helpful to start with sharing the reference material and working out from there.

Energy

Oftentimes people inhabit a specific energy or style associated with their particular brand of BDSM, especially if they're on the more experienced end of the spectrum. The energy of the scene can be dictated by the individuals' established kinky personas, and/ or the collective chemistry of their play styles. For people who count energy as an important element, it can be especially critical to talk about whether you are a good match energetically by asking "how would you describe yourself and your play style?". Some people are chameleons, but people simply are the energy they project, and may not be able (or willing) to alter it.

Aesthetics

Being aesthetic forward means that you are focussed on how your kink scene looks. You could zero in on what you are both wearing for playtime, what the room looks like, or the texture of the toys and equipment. Some folks give outfit requests for their partners, make kinky purchases together, give tactile gifts, and take care setting up the play space. Kink that is visually engaging can include doing fashion shows or photoshoots, engaging in exhibitionism or voyeurism, going to kink events, and fetish interests like shiny fabrics, foot wear, and ornamentation.