Things Every Submissive Should Know

Whether you're brand new to BDSM or beginning to explore your submissive side more intentionally, understanding the foundations of consent, communication, self-advocacy, and safety will help you build healthier, more rewarding kink experiences. These are the things every submissive should know before stepping into play.

The Difference Between Fantasy & Reality

Due to the lack of mainstream kink and sex education, people sometimes get confused about the realities of kink play. What you will often see in kinky videos, or when you follow the social media account of a Dominatrix for example, is a representation of kink that is fantasy forward. Perhaps someone is talking to the other in a degrading way, or maybe a submissive is taking lots of pain, or being "forced" to do something. If you do not possess adult media literacy, one might take this at face value, or as an education tool, rather than as it is intended: a fantasy for entertainment purposes.

So what does the reality of kink look like? Consent, communication, and care. Real life kinksters talk thoroughly about their desires, preferred roles, boundaries, and physical limitations, before any fantasy comes into play. You are two humans with aligned interests, creating a container to play within. Inside it, can be all the deep, dark, extreme play you both want. But it can only exist with mutual understanding, trust, and support outside the container.

What You Like

When you find yourself in a partnered kink situation, one the first conversations you'll have is surrounding your kinky interests. You, with your lack of kink experience, might struggle with this question. You may ask yourself: How do I know what I enjoy, if I haven't done any in-person kink play before?

First of all, tell them that. Say that this is your first time trying these activities. Second, tell them what you do know. Even though you haven't done any physical kink with a partner, do not discount all the knowledge you have accumulated through solo exploration and research. Communicate what activities you are drawn to, and why. For instance, what kinky media do you consume? Is it the dirty talk that is most interesting to you? The power dynamic? The aesthetics?

Once you are ready to play with someone else, a great place to start is a "practice scene", in which you try a variety of low intensity physical sensations with lots of checking in throughout. This will give you something to go off of, next time you get asked what you like.   

How To Advocate For Yourself

During kink play, consent is paramount. This means, that both you and your partner have a shared responsibility in keeping you safe. For instance, you can work on saying an authentic yes/no/maybe, and they can work on giving you the space to do so. You can give your play partner information surrounding your boundaries, and they can stay within them. You can tell them how you are feeling, and they can listen and adjust if needed. 

The most important thing to understand is that your kink partner is not a mind reader. They cannot know what is going on in your head, how you feel, and what you want/ don't want unless you tell them. Miscommunications most often happen when assumptions are being made, rather than questions being asked and answered. This is not only in your self interest, but your partners'. They don't want to harm you. They want to be able to trust your "yes", and feel comfortable knowing that you can advocate for yourself if needed. If you need help or support in doing so, you can brainstorm together as to what they may look like.

The Value of Patience

The instinct of a person who is unlocking the door to a whole new world, can be to do as much as possible, as fast as possible. Perhaps it's making up for lost time, feeling excitement about the novelty of it, or moving into riskier territory with what is commonly called, "sub frenzy". Chasing an adrenaline rush or a dopamine high can often leave people in a situation where they have compromised judgement, and make poor decisions. This can mean anything from hurting feelings with self centred behavior, to getting yourself (and others) into physically dangerous situations. They key is to be thoughtful and intentional with your kinky journey, especially at the beginning of it. Take your time. Check in often with yourself and with others.

Some folks feel like they started late, and are way behind their peers. If you are holding self judgement about that, try to have patience with yourself. Everyone is on their own unique journey. Make small achievable goals for yourself, taking care to seek support along the way. If you don't feel that you can talk to the people in your life about this, you can contact a Professional to book a consultation.

Harm Reduction For Your Favourite Activities

Submissives often assume that their Dominant "knows best". And therefore, they might draw the conclusion that safety is the Dominant's job alone. The truth, is that people who play on the Dominant side of the slash, can be just as inexperienced or ignorant as anyone else. And because they take on an advantageous role in the power dynamic, can be quite dangerous when unskilled. 

This is why it is extra important for submissives to get knowledgeable about the safety of their preferred kink activities. Are you an impact bottom? Know what parts of the body are off limits. Are you a rope bottom? Research early signs of loosing circulation and nerve damage. Into pegging? Read up on how to train properly. You can make your play exponentially safer by sharing harm reduction information with your partner, and asking for what you need. Consent is informed, so always make sure that you know the risks of what you are opting into.     

The Importance of Person-First Interactions

One of the biggest pitfalls of newly exploring submissives, is objectifying others in hopes of getting their kinky needs met. Perhaps they want a Mistress, or an Owner, or a stiletto heel to suck on, and they are mass messaging everyone on Fetlife with a request to be "dominated". This may come as a surprise, but even people attending sexy or kinky events do not respond well to an objective-first approach.

What will get you much farther, is treating this person like a human, and not like a kink dispenser. Kinky relationships (and there are many different kinds), require connection, communication, and chemistry. They are built and maintained through putting in as much as you are getting out. If you are unwilling to do the "relationship" part, including the devotion of time and energy into finding an aligned kink partner, you better start saving up money to hire a Professional Dominatrix. But spoiler alert: Pro Dominants are also autonomous individuals who require that you treat them with respect. So if you can't do the bare minimum, you will struggle to find a kink partner, professional or not.