A Day In The Life of a Toronto Dominatrix
It's easy to fantasize about the women that work in the kink industry. We are fantasy curators and facilitators, after all. It makes sense that people have a glamorized version of us in their heads. Not to burst your bubble, but the reality of being a Professional Dominant is much different. Let me give you a glimpse behind the curtain.
I wake up around 10am. I splash some water on my face and wipe away any remnants of last night's makeup. Sitting down with a cup of tea, I settle in to do a couple hours of administrative work on my phone. I answer session request emails, screen clients, and schedule them into my calendar. These interactions can often involve asserting your boundaries, sussing out timewasters, and managing complex emotional conversations. At this point in my career as a Dominatrix, I am pretty unafraid to refuse, or risk losing work.
I make my daily marketing posts. Check in with the Toronto Dominatrix group chat. Volley fellow provider messages about renting The Kneeling Room. All while wearing my glasses and worn out house clothes, unwashed hair swooped up into a messy bun. I take a sip of lukewarm tea.
On a day off from the dungeon, I might work on an upcoming class I'm teaching, edit an episode of my podcast, or do some writing for my website. I prefer to work during the daytime, and relax in the evening.
Lots of people in the kink industry co-habitate with loved ones. This time at home might look like co-working with a roommate, having a quick breakfast with a romantic partner before they leave for work, navigating admin while caring for children or snuggling with a beloved pet.
On a session day, I take extra care with my morning. My work feels very intensive to me, so I require slowness before and after. I rarely do more than one session per day, and I do not have a session every day. If I'm working at Kneeling Room, I will review the client form in my inbox to see what particular brand of trouble I'm getting up to. If it's an afternoon appointment, I will make myself another cup of tea, put on a podcast, and do my makeup. I'll travel to The Kneeling Room. I live close by, but other Toronto workers have anywhere from a 30 to 90 minute commute via TTC, biking, or Uber. There are only a couple other Toronto dungeons for us to work at, and they are mostly in the west end.
I like to arrive early, so that I can do some maintenance on the dungeon before the client arrives. I dump the full garbage bins, vacuum the floor, wipe any dirty surfaces, put sanitized items from the day before back into the cupboard. I re-stock everything from toilet paper to nitrile gloves. Sometimes I need to deal with a quick repair or two.
While I get changed into my fetwear, I once again review the client form and loosely plan out the session in my head. I get implements handy that I anticipate needing. Plug in vibrators that need charging. Get my strap on harness out. Place a couple chastity cage options on the counter. I turn on the mood lighting: the fireplace, the candles, the twinkly lights. Next is music. I make sure to have a bottle of water ready, and keep my phone within arms reach. The knock on the door should come exactly at the appointment time.
My sessions usually last between 1-3 hours. Some are physically strenuous, others are emotionally laborious. Some are with new clients I am just meeting, others are with old regulars I've had for years. Some are local to Toronto, and some travel to see me from other cities, provinces, or even countries.
Most sessions are one-on-one, but some have me working with a fellow Provider or with a couple. I consider myself lucky to have several female regulars. Contrary to popular belief, not all clients are men, and not all Providers are women.
Every session, and every client, feels a bit different. Even in “easy” sessions, I have to balance my client’s requests and desires, against our collective physical safety, and emotional well-being. After almost ten years of professional practice, I’m happy to report that most times I’m successful in that.
I clean up slowly to help me transition back into the rest of my day. Afterwards, I need to eat. Twice a week I’m hauling a bag of laundry with me. I almost always grab a couple groceries on the walk home.
If I've worked in the afternoon, I spend my evenings decompressing. The first thing I do is take a hot shower. I cook dinner, usually pasta or a stir-fry. I load the dishwasher. This is often followed by some downtime: Watching shows, playing video games, or putting together the latest puzzle I bought. Answering emails as they come up. I do not typically stay up very late, as I want to be well rested for the next day of work.
Kink Professionals often go to other jobs, have family duties to attend to, school homework to do, or share social time with loved ones outside of kink work. There are lots of industry workers in Toronto. There is a huge range of what type of work they do, how often they do it, where they do it, how it fits in with the rest of their lives, how much money they make, how safe or vulnerable they feel, and how much labour is involved. Their day may look similar to mine, or very, very different.