What to Expect When Booking a Pro for the First TimeEveryone has a first time with a Pro Dominant. If you've been seeing a Pro Dom(me) for years, can you remember your first session? You probably left important things out of the request form. You almost cancelled last minute. You were so nervous that you wondered if he/she could see your hands shaking. You were maybe a little too... eager to please?
And then next time, it got slightly better. You got a little more confident in communicating your desires. You were able to focus more during the scene. You eventually started to let the outside world melt away, and truly connect with your Dom(me). But it might take a couple times to get there. We understand that you are going to be nervous. We realize that you may have very little experience. We know that you may not get everything right the first time. And that's okay. Here is an article that may help you out on your first visit to a Professional Dominatrix.
A great way to start out, is to pay particular attention to how the Dom(me) wants you to book. The first red flag for a Pro Dominant, is when the potential client cannot follow simple booking instructions. The process for The Ritual Chamber is easy: There is an application form directly on the website that asks you availability, interests, limits, what Dom(me) you would like, and for how long. You just fill in the blanks and press "send". So, for example, sliding into the Ritual Chamber's Twitter DMs with nothing but a "hey", will not get you a response. Most Pro Dominants will have booking instructions on the bio of their social media, or prominently displayed on their website. If they require screening information, then you must go through the screening process. If they require a deposit, then you must send the deposit. If they tell you their rates, then those are their rates. It seems like common sense to follow these instructions, but Pros spend an alarming amount of emotional labour dealing with potential clients trying to haggle, get around the rules, or generally wasting their time. If it helps, pretend that you're making an appointment for any other professional service. Would you try to bend the rules when applying to see a new doctor? Of course not.
Let's assume that you've booked an appointment. What are some things you can do to prepare? One thing you can do, is to think about your reasons/intentions for engaging in this particular type of play. What do you hope to accomplish in this scene? Think about what you can say to the Dom(me) so that they can better facilitate your session. What do you like to be called? What phrases really get you in the proper headspace? What energy do you like in the room? How do you like to feel during a scene? If you can't answer these questions, that's ok, too. Some folks are right at the very beginning of their kink journey, and hiring a Pro is a great way to figure out what path interests you most.
On the day, there are a couple things you should do to prepare. Eat/Hydrate: the last thing we want if you feeling dizzy or under nourished mid-session. Shower: this is a must; some professionals require that you do it onsite. Do not engage in any intoxicants: most Pros will refuse you entry if they suspect you are under the influence. If you're engaging in any sort of anal play, you will need to clean internally with an anal douche or enema. When you arrive, you will have the opportunity to use the washroom one last time before the scene begins.
Finally, after much anticipation, you are ringing the doorbell, and anxiously awaiting the Dom(me) to open it. She/he should be polite and professional. They should not begin Domming you until the scene has been properly negotiated (which means that the two of you will sit down for a few minutes to discuss what you would like to explore in the session). During this chat, you will get the chance to clarify and elaborate on what you have filled out on the form or application. At the very least, she/he should go over your safe words, boundaries, physical limitations. They will tell you what is expected of you in the scene. This may include protocol like saying "Mistress" or "Sir" after every reply, kneeling or bowing when she/he enters, or averting your eyes in her/his presence. A note: the scene may begin as soon as you enter the space if you request it that way, but this should only happen upon very specific request.
Negotiation is also a great time to get acclimated to the space, and connect with your Dom(me) a little bit, out of role. If they are aware you are new to booking Pros, the Dominant will be taking extra care to make you feel safe, heard, and comfortable. My advice to you, is to be as forthcoming as possible. We understand that may be nervous. We know that you may have internalized shame around your kink. We get that you don't want to be inappropriate. We understand the instinct to just "do whatever Mistress wants". But, we've truly heard it all, and nothing shocks us. Good dungeons are shame-free, judgment-free spaces. The more information we have about your kink, the better we will be able to facilitate your session. The Dominant will be asking you a bunch of questions. Try not to get too anxious to start, and skim them over.
Another thing to mention, is not to try and accomplish too much in one session. If you have only booked an hour, and have a list of a dozen things you would like to do, then the Dom(me) will most likely get you to choose a top three. You can always book again. Depending on the kink, sometimes three is even too much. You can talk with the Dominant to determine what three might work best with the role play or premise you have chosen. Some Dom(me)s prefer payment before, and some after. If there isn't direct information on when the transaction should happen, it's always a good idea to offer beforehand, just in case. You may either leave a tip before or after, as well. Sometimes it's nice to receive a tip beforehand, because it puts us in a good mood for the session. After also has its appeal, because it shows that the sub enjoyed the scene. Though not required, a tip is a great way to leave the Dom(me) feeling appreciated, and eager to book with you again. If you are thinking about bringing a gift, a Dominant will sometimes list options on their website or social media. Otherwise, asking what they would like as a gift is never a bad idea.
And then, there's the scene. In general, no scene looks the same, but there are things that will happen in some degree during a Professional session. Number one, the Dom(me) will start slow. Not only does the scene need somewhere to go intensity-wise, but they will always err on the side of safety. Even if the requested scene involves intensity and heavy/edgy play, the Dominant will need to test and determine what exactly that means to you. Pain is subjective. One thing that may be painful to you, may not be pleasurable to another. That said, regardless of what you tell us during negotiation, we will need to gauge how much you can handle, before throwing the entire thing at you.
Secondly, we will be checking in with you throughout the scene. We understand that mid scene can be a tough time for a sub to advocate for themselves. Sometimes a sub will push themselves to please the Dom(me), or satisfy some internal goal. Sometimes a sub finds themselves drifting off into an altered state. Sometimes a sub just feels to "subby" to look at his Mistress in the eye, let alone speak up when their hands are going numb. A good Pro will give you lots of opportunity to change up the activity, switch a position, take a break, or vary the intensity. They will be reading your body language, and taking cues from the answers you give them. You should never worry that using your safe words will disappoint the Dom(me) or ruin "the mood". We are here for you. To help you indulge in your deepest fantasies. That's the whole point of hiring a Professional. The last thing we want, if for you to do something that you don't want to be doing.
That said, there is always an element of improvisation and unexpectedness during a scene. It's important to understand that the scene may not play out exactly as you picture it. This is because there is another person involved, and they are not privy to the dialogue going on inside your head. The wild card in this equation, or the Dom(me), will do their best to facilitate your fantasy with the provided information. My advice is to try not to control it. The whole point of booking a Dominatrix is to submit. She/he is a Professional for a reason: because they are skilled in providing these types of services. They've put in the reps. Welcome the co-creation. Odds are, they will be able to take your fantasy somewhere surprising you never pictured it going.
Next, the Dom(me) will leave time for aftercare. Don't worry, she/he won't just suddenly kick you out while you're still reeling. Aftercare is very important, especially if you have engaged in intense physical/emotional/mental play. This may include a glass of water, snacks, a blanket, soft touch, a hug or snuggle, quiet time, or talking about the scene. If you require anything specific, let them know. Most Dom(me) will have a shower available for your use, as well, but stay respectful with the time that you have booked. If you have booked an hour, then negotiation, the scene, aftercare, and a shower/getting dressed all needs to happen within the hour.
Lastly, if you enjoyed yourself, don't hesitate to leave a positive testimonial. This can be emailed to the general info/inquiry address, listed on their website or social media. Online presence goes a long way for Professional Dom(me)s. Think back: did reading a testimonial influence your decision to book?
Having Fun With Role PlayRole Play, for me, is a vacation from the usual type of play I fall into. It gives me a chance to act like someone else for a change: Someone with a different value system, unique personality traits, and a different world view. This can be very freeing. I am no longer bound by my style, my patterns, or my history. It gives me the permission to make bolder choices, be more creative, and tap into something completely new energy.
But, the thought of doing Role Play is scary to many folks. What if I laugh? What if I say the wrong thing? What if my character isn't believable? All valid concerns. At some point, all of this may very well be true. Especially if you're a beginner. But, here's the thing: It's okay. We're all human. Like anything, you will get better with practice. It's going to take some background work first.
As enthusiastic about Role Play as I am, jumping right in isn't what I would recommend. Like any kink scene, an in depth negotiation is necessary to not only talk about safety, limits, and boundaries, but also to give you the information you need to execute a scene that will be satisfying for the both of you. Ask your partner what they would like to do, and what's more important, in what way. What type of energy would they like? What type of mood? How would they like to feel? This will inform what characters might be involved. A spanking scene can be punishment, a reward, it can be a test, or a trial, it can be sadism for sadism's sake, or encouraging, or sensual, or mechanical. Talk about the phrases that might be hot to hear, the nuances of how they might be delivered, and in what situation. What are your favourites toys? Positions? Implements? Discuss how you might incorporate them into the scene, and how it might make sense within the Role Play. Perhaps, it isn't important to you that the scene makes perfect sense, or follows a believable narrative. Some folks like to improvise the whole thing, and see where the story takes them. Others like to create an outline for the scene, where certain moments are hit, but the in-between parts are spontaneous. Maybe you are very detail oriented, and would rather create a script, and an elaborate backstory for each character. If that is the case, more research can be done, and more time can be spent on scene crafting. Needless to say, there is no one way to do Role Play. Just as long as the adults involved are consent and risk aware, the options are wide open.
Some advice for first timer improvisers: Start with a simple premise. Listen to your partner, then react accordingly. You'll be surprised how easy it is, when you realize you have another brain in the room working creatively with you. About control: Let go of any preconceived notions you have about the scene. Let it go where it wants to go. Trust your instincts in the moment. As a character, concentrating on intention is a great place to start. What do you want from this person? Why do you want to do it? How are you going to get it from them?
As for people who are nervous to screw up: Don't worry. It's all part of it. Sexual play without a Role Play element has this potential as well. The truth is, we all make mistakes surrounding sex. The important thing, is that we learn from them. Try to stay in a non-judgmental mind frame. And this means not only judging your partner(s), but also yourself. If you stumble over a word, just forgive yourself, and move on. We're not robots. Sometimes I say something incorrectly, and the mistake is more interesting than the original. Go with it. Maybe your partner calls out the mistake, and that creates some unexpected conflict or elevation within the scene. Call it a happy accident. Sometimes they can be a blessing.
Likewise, folks are afraid of "feeling silly". That's fair. It's improvisation. It's the unknown. And, it does take a leap of faith. It does ask you to step outside of your box. And that's always difficult at first. But, the more you do it, the easier it gets. Eventually, you'll be able to take more risks, with greater pay off. Get more creative, more unorthodox, more nuanced. But, everyone has to start somewhere. Don't give up, just because you aren't great at it right away. There might be workshops you can take in your city, at your local sex shop, or dungeon. Take an improv class. Find inspiration for characters, environments, or situations from different types of media. Try a costume! Maybe certain implements get you in the mood. Maybe one role doesn't work for you, but another really clicks. Maybe certain roles vary from partner to partner.
Lastly, Role Play literally has the word "play" in it, so don't forget to have fun! Just like other types of sexual play, Role Play is simultaneously weird, hilarious, awkward, and hot as hell. Go ahead and laugh. Let it be imperfect. Learn together. Experiment. Play. Make your next Role Play experience about the connection between you and your partner, not about sizing yourself up to Role Play experts, or what you think Role Play "should" look like.
The Popularity of Puppy PlayThere's a reason that Puppy Play is on the rise. Actually, there are many reasons. This weekend I've had the pleasure of observing three actual dogs in their natural habitat (my parent's bungalow), and it's got me thinking about why humans love role playing as dogs so much.
Puppy Play, for those of you who are unaware, is a lighthearted type of power exchange role play that is accessible to kink newbies and veterans alike. It involves a Dominant player or Handler, and a Submissive player (or several submissives) usually called Pups. Pups are folks who have a desire for the primal role of a dog. This can mean many different things for its players, and there is a large spectrum of how people choose to explore this kink. One of my parent's dogs has currently usurped my foot as its pillow, so now is as good a time as any, to write about the exploration of this fetish that is ever growing in popularity.
Pup Play can intersect with lots of other fetishes, can involve being part of a Pack, and can include expensive and elaborate gear; but at its simplest form, it can be a very easy and low pressure kink to start out with. All you need to do, is get on your hands and knees. A super satisfying start up scene can be getting scratched behind the ear for ten minutes. As the Pup, all you need to do is receive the stimulation from your Handler. That's it. And, not even that. How many actual dogs do you know that get bored? Wander away? Start barking at something outside? The metaphorical doggie door opens to the unlimited scenes you can create.
Puppy Play, as far as I'm concerned, is the kink that can most closely resemble actual play. This kink's most attractive feature is probably the carefree nature. Not that more intense scenes can't exist, but as I watch my Mom's chihuahua mix chase a ball across the room, I can't help but envy the simplicity of a dog's daily tasks. Humans engaging in Puppy Play often desire to access this feeling. There's something very meditative and soothing about completing basic tasks like doing tricks, engaging in repetitive types of play like fetch, receiving affectionate touch like getting pet on the head. That said, emptying your mind and being in the moment can be difficult for some. Especially when you're doing something new; something that may feel pretty silly at first, and all with someone watching over you. Pup Space, as it's called, can take a lot of focus and practice. The important thing is to try and have instant forgiveness for yourself when you feel your mind start to wander. Take each scene as a personal challenge to go deeper than the last one. People practice kink on a learning curve, and Pet Play is no exception.? Take mental note of things that allow you to drop into your primal persona easily, and communicate them to your Handler afterwards. Is it a certain phrase? The ritual of putting of a specific piece of equipment? Being touched in a certain way?
People are also drawn to Pup Play because it doesn't characteristically involve torture or torment. It can if you want it to, but in general, Pet Play is a way to engage in kink and power exchange role play that isn't centered around receiving pain. Stereotypically, folks assume that all types of BDSM and fetish involve severity and pain infliction. Subs and Bottoms who don't fall under that category often wonder where they fit in, in the kink community. To have a fetish that doesn't hinge on punishment, restraint, or degradation is very welcoming for beginners, and can be a great change of pace for folks that do like painful or intense sessions. My parents use a spray bottle filled with water on their dogs, and even that seems a little cruel! It can be said the same things for Tops and Dominants who identify on the sensual, sensitive side of the spectrum. Having a human puppy allows you to openly show affection, offer appreciation, and give rewards to your Sub.? There is no pressure whatsoever for Pup Play scenes and their players to mimic to the stereotypical severity of BDSM play.
Something that will influence and deepen the type of play you engage in, is your Pup persona. What type of Puppy are you? Energetic and playful? Bratty or naughty? Sweet and Snugly? Social? Quiet? We've got the full range here at my parents' house. Three distinct personalities that need different types of stimuli, enjoy different foods, and watch different TV shows (I'm not kidding, they all watch TV). Many folks who engage in Puppy Play identify with a specific breed, which can help shape the personality of your Puppy. But, it's important to point out that you don't have to know all this before beginning. Specifics like a breed may naturally emerge over time, and sometimes not at all, and can also change depending on how you feel! This low pressure setting leaves a lot of wiggle room to grow and develop your Pup Play skill set over time.
Another appealing feature, is how other types of kink can intersect with Pet Play. Obedience training might be the most obvious one. A Handler can have lots of fun teaching their Pup all sorts of tricks and skills. Make sure to give lots of encouragement to your Pup: you've heard the way people talk to dogs when they're being cute and behaving well. Give them a scratch under the chin, a "Good Boy", or a treat for a job well done. Decide what kinds of discipline they would like beforehand. Keep a crop on hand, or use a choke chain, or a spray bottle (like my parents). Sorry, but I have to stop for a second and mention that one of the dogs just got out of the bath and is running around like a MANIAC. Which brings me to Grooming. Giving your Pup a bath, clipping their nails, or brushing their hair or teeth can be very therapeutic for both Puppy and Handler. Don't forget the rubbing and running around after. What about a trip to the Vet? Many Pup Play enthusiasts enjoy overlapping medical play. Watersports? What can I say? Sometimes there are accidents, and a Pup needs to be properly house trained. Group play? Definitely. After experimenting with a couple solo scenes, attending a Pup Play Party could be a great next step. Group play may help you feel more comfortable, and get to Pup Space a little easier than alone with your Handler. It also opens up lots of other activities, like wrestling with other Pups, sniffing other Pup butts, and asserting your dominance in a pack. There's also much to learn from watching other Handlers and Pups engage in their own unique dynamic. Lastly, another obvious cross over is having sex. Again, it isn't required, but is often enjoyed together with Pet Play scenes. After all, they're already on all fours, often use a butt plug tail. Many of the people who engage in this dynamic find the Master/Submissive role play very erotic! Something to mention: as you move into overlapping fetishes that usually require safewords, be aware that you may need to alter them for Pup Play scenes. Since Pups cannot speak, it may be difficult for them to find their usual safe words if necessary. Try using something in the Puppy's vocabulary, like a squeaky toy or special bark.
If you're looking to invest in this kink, what kind of gear can you buy? Well, since Puppy Play has origins in the leather community, there is a excess of available gear for purchase. A collar and leash is a great place to start, and if you're kinky, odds are you've already got one on hand. If you're looking to engage in lengthy scenes on your hands and knees, knee pads and gloves are a good investment for your comfort and health. Bondage mittens are available, that bind your hands into something that more resembles paws. Most people move onto tails (anal plugs or otherwise). Gags are use to restrict speech. Chest harnesses, ears, or full masks with snouts are usually next on the 'To Buy' list. Whatever gets you into Pup Space easier, and keeps you there longer. I would recommend trying out the non-sexual gear at a fellow enthusiasts house first. See how it feels to wear that mask before spending hundreds of dollars on one. At the very least, go into a sex or kink shop where you can hold the products in your hand first. Feel the malleability of the material, the softness of the finish, the exact sizing. Buying intimate gear online, where you cannot do this, is always risky. That said, Puppy Play, like most other kinks, has a very low start up cost. The equipment isn't necessary for play. It's meant entirely for enhancement. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not a "real" Pup unless you have all the fancy accoutrements. And if anyone insinuates it, bite their head off. You have my permission.
The Art of NegotiationThe stereotype dictates that a good sub does whatever his Mistress asks, right? She ties you a little too tight, you let your extremities go numb without a word. She tells you to take more hits, but even though you desperately need a break, you take more hits. She calls you a worthless, good for nothing, piece of scum that it unfit to lick her boots, and even though some of those words don't sit right with you, you continue on with the scene.
Wrong. Incorrect. And for the people in the balcony: NO.
Good Dominants (and yes, unfortunately there are bad ones out there, even in the professional community), will not only have an in depth negotiation beforehand, but safe words and signals in place, and on going communication throughout the scene. Not to mention proper aftercare and debriefing post scene. A Dom(me)'s number one priority should always be your physical safety, and mental/emotional well being. And if you want to be a good sub, you most valued qualities will be knowing yourself, clearly indicated boundaries, and good communication skills. Not simply doing whatever Mistress says.
So, what does detailed negotiation look like? It can look many different ways, but important elements include physical limitations (such as injuries or disabilities), emotional or psychological triggers (such as certain words or actions), boundaries or hard limits (things you do not want to do) and ways to communicate discomfort within the scene (safe words or signals). On the flip side, it's just as vital to discuss the kinks or role play you would like to explore, the phrases or words you enjoy hearing, and what implements or tools you are interesting in using. Some Dom(me)s like to get a mood or vibe for the session. Do you like playfulness? Severity? Encouragement? Ideally, negotiation is written down; especially if this phase of communication is happening in advance. This helps both the Dominant and the sub remember exactly what was talked about, and can refer to it at their leisure, leading up to the scene. If negotiation happens a couple days before, it gives both parties more opportunity to think of questions, additions, and clarifications for each other. Some Dominants use a pre-existing form or contract. This might feel a little cold to some, but can actually be very helpful to establish exact boundaries, limitations, and triggers. Especially if the sub or Dom(me) has a form that has consistently worked for them in the past, they shouldn't be afraid to use it with new play partners. Not only that, but kinksters often find negotiation quite titillating, and can be a great build up to a scene. A big part of this process is communicating your desires, intentions, and a potential "playlist". To either write down or read the devilish details of an impending scene, is like collaborating on your own little true-to-life erotica story.
Now, all of this can presumably happen before even meeting each other in person. So, what happens when you finally get in the room? Again, this can look several ways. Most folks like to have another pre-scene check in about how they're currently feeling. Especially if most of the negotiation happened beforehand, this can be an important step. Perhaps today you don't feel like doing some of the things from your previously checked "Yes" column. This is your chance to say so. Is your shoulder bothering you today? Let them know. Are you feeling a little emotionally sensitive, so don't go so hard on the humiliation this time? Communicate that. Give the sub a chance to ask questions, or clarify things. It's up to both of you to make sure that you share as much information as possible, to make sure that the session is exactly where you need it to be. If it's the first time you are playing together, most kinksters like to have a chat, even before they start talking about the scene. This can potentially give you a chance to relax, get to know each other a bit, and feel comfortable in the space. Some people like the scene to start right away. If this is the case, then both parties need to be extra open to communicating throughout the scene, even if they've played together before, and already have established boundaries and safe words.
Which brings us to the scene. Ill informed folks might assume that all the consent work is done, and all that's left is to play it out. The columns have been checked, the sexts have been sent, and the contracts have been signed. Incorrect. Next what happens, should be a skillful conversation between the Dom(me) and the sub that lasts throughout the entirety of the scene. This includes verbal check ins, and meticulous reading of body language. Some Dom(me)s get the sub to rate their hits from one to ten, to get a sense of their pain tolerance. If a sub isn't super forthcoming about how they're feeling, sometimes a sub is "forced" (within the role play) to answer a question about their well being. A lot of kinksters use the traffic light system for safe words (red, yellow, green), which means that they are not only getting information about when to stop, but also when to slow down or take a break, and when they are experiencing pleasure (or the perfect amount of pain). Subby folks may not always feel like they can speak up mid scene. They may feel influenced by the existing power dynamic to say yes, or go further than they should. If the sub drifts into an altered space (such as subspace), they may not have the tools necessary to communicate what they need or when they want to stop. Some subs tend to push themselves a little too far, and it may have nothing to do with outside pressure, but can be just as harmful. These are things that both people can try to do work to police. However, it's the Dominant's job to make sure that if they are improvising play, they need to do it laterally. Which means that they are not ramping up the intensity beyond what has been negotiated, or introducing completely new ideas or concepts that have not been previously discussed. Even if they are asking for consent to do so, in the middle of a scene, the sub may not be in the proper headspace to give an adequate "yes". It's important to know that even if an act has been talked about, a sub may still have an adverse reaction. Or that the sub can change their mind mid scene, and be struggling on how to say so. Dom(me)s need to be on high alert. They need to have first class intuition, empathy, and ability to read non-verbal cues. They need to create an environment where their sub feels safe to safe word.
Afterwards, the sub may require a special type of care, depending on many factors. This is widely known as aftercare. However, what is not common knowledge is that aftercare looks different for every person, and can vary depending on what type of play they have engaged in, as well as how they are feeling on that particular day. Some kinksters like to have a chat about aftercare, beforehand. Many subs don't know what aftercare they will need until the time comes, especially if they are playing with new partners or engaging in a different kink. Though the most common aftercare is some form of cuddling or light touch, it's always important to ask the sub what they need after a scene. For example, some subs need alone time. When in doubt, offering water, a granola bar, and a blanket is usually not a bad plan. Dom(me)s need care as well, so make sure to address your own needs after your sub is taken care of. Luckily, providing aftercare is often times what a Dom(me) needs, too. But, after your sub leaves for the night, do what you need to do to ensure you are prioritizing your mental/emotional/physical well being. Next, especially if the Dom(me) and sub are planning on playing again in the future, it's always a good idea to debrief. This could happen right after a snuggle session, or up to a few days later. What were your favourite parts? Where could I have gone harder? Was there anything you weren't really into? Anything we could expand on? This could also be valuable if they aren't necessarily going to play again. It could provide valuable information as to whether you were intuiting the scene correctly, or being expressive enough, or defining your boundaries properly. Both parties can learn from their experience, and make changes (if necessary) to build better scenes with future partners.
Ditching Dominatrix StereotypesPicture a Dominatrix in your head, right now.
The Dominatrix most people are familiar with, is the one we often see mimicked time and time again, in popular culture. If we are asked to think of a Dominatrix, we often picture a severe, latex clad woman wearing six inch stilettos, with a whip in hand. She is white, and fit, with large breasts. And she is ready to kick your ass. Sound familiar?
The problem with this historical image, as fun as it can be to play with, is that it inherently excludes the rest of us. Not only does it limit what type of women can practice Femdom, but in what way.
Though this traditional costume might empower some, wearing a tight fitting, and unbreathable fabric might be the last thing you feel sexy in. What about those who sweat? Or need more mobility than that? Or don't want our rolls busting out? If you don't feel confident in heels, then Domming in heels doesn't make much sense, does it? The whole point of being a Domme is that you are the one in charge. You are the one who sets the rules. The whole point of Femdom, is to subvert the script that is currently set in place. To turn the patriarchy on its head. The same goes for what a Domme "looks like". We don't need to appeal to the male gaze, because we are the ones running the show. We don't need to be the sexual objects in this scenario. For once.
So, what does that look like, in practice? Embrace your body the way it is, and not you think it's supposed to be. Easier said than done. We have layers upon layers of culture conditioning that informs us of what is sexy, and what is not. More specifically, what body types. Who "sexiness" is "for". As far as figuring out what your authentic Domme persona looks like start from square one. Attempt to shed all the preconceived notions of what a Domme needs to look like. What men tell us we need to look like, in order to be desirable. Take some time to find the ensemble that you feel the most powerful and confident in. Maybe it's something loose fitting, with bright colours, and a pair of flats. What outfits from your closet make you feel like a million bucks? What about these outfits make us feel good? The colour? The cut? The material? When building your Domme persona, it might help to work outside in. Don't let popular culture dictate whether you look like a Domme or not. Dommes are young, old, fat, thin, soft, muscular, abled, disabled, cis, non-binary, trans, white, or folks of colour. And, we can wear whatever we goddamn well please. Don't think for one second that your unique physical qualities will diminish your Dominance.
All this said, it's not how a Domme looks that's important. It's what she does. But clothing can inform you the way you act, and the way you carry yourself. Change your outfit, change your mood. And that's why it deserves some focus.
Now, take a moment to think of what a Dominatrix does.
This image is almost as easy to summon as our leather clad, corsetted woman. Dommes are mean. They bark orders, spew insults, and beat the living shit out of their subs. Which is one great scene Dommes can facilitate, don't get me wrong, but there is so very much more out there to explore. So, why limit yourself?
Even classic BDSM archetypes can have so much nuance. The Teacher, for example, can certainly be a disciplinarian, but may also possess caring, thoughtful attributes. Teachers generally want to help you succeed, and shape you to become a better person. This may include anything from positive reinforcement and encouragement, to a little tough love, to a much needed heart-to-heart. Yes, Teachers often have an air of removed professionalism, but their overall intention is to be a positive role model in your life. And what a fantastic basis for a tender sort of scene. Does the thought of making a good impression on your teacher make you weak in the needs? Will the idea of proving yourself to her make you melt? Can you imagine her telling you, in a sweet, singsong voice of hers, "You've done a good job, today. Same time again tomorrow." Power exchange doesn't always have to be based on severity. It can also be about helping, challenging, and validating.
Now, the Doctor archetype focuses on you physically. And while a 'Mad Doctor' scene can be very stimulating, so can a more realistic Doctor who is concerned for your physical well-being. A check up, or certain type of medical testing may be uncomfortable or painful, so it might be that much more important for the sub to have a friendly figure delivering it. Encouragement, though veiled with a similar emotionally removed professionalism as the Teacher, is necessary for a number of reasons. They have other patients to see, and need to make sure that this goes smoothly, for one. Yes, they genuinely care about your well-being (they wouldn't have gotten into this career if it were otherwise), but they have a high status job, and they have important work to do. It's best to keep it polite, so that your patient doesn't feel like a number. You don't want a bad review on "RateMDs.com", do you? Feigned kindness mixed with objectification is irresistible to many subs. Do you find it stimulating, how she asks you how the kids are doing without looking up from her clipboard? Does the thought of being tenderly guided through a quick prostate exam, arouse the senses? Can you imagine her telling you, in that slightly robotic voice and forced smile, "Hold still. It's just be a bit longer. You're doing great." A Doctor patient scene is a great way to bring a very nuanced type of caring to power exchange.
Outside of role play, many Dommes choose to enjoy a more playful style of Domination. It can often be a more accessible, relatable form of play, in which the stakes don't seem quite as high. A more casual scene, where the sub is encouraged to use their regular language and have a verbal back and forth with their captor. It may relax them to be able to expresses themselves openly, rather than having to stifle their reactions. And it leaves the Domme with a fun energy to play off of. This opens the door to tease and denial scenarios, mindfuckery, and/or bullying and humiliation type play. For some Dommes, a smiling sub really energizes them. It communicates to her that the sub is enjoying the scene. And, if the sub is enjoying themselves a little too much, it allows the Domme to remove stimuli to illicit a desired reaction. Or try to get a new, more intense reaction. On the flipside, a comical Domme may intimidate subs with her unpredictability. This type of Domination might bring out the delicious uncomfortability and lack of control that they desire. The options really are limitless, once you throw out the idea that scenes need to be intense and severe.
And lastly, outside of the scene, a Domme should always care about the bottom/sub, and their general well-being. Whether you are a lifestyle Domme or a Professional, you should never "be mean" to a sub or client, unless the sub has consented and negotiated for you to treat them that way. Your Domme persona should be an authentic extension of yourself. So, unless your personality is that of a total and complete asshole, there is no need to present that way. Pre scene, during the scene, or afterwards. In fact, if that's so, I would recommend that you find another hobby.
10 Scene Ideas for Your First Session1. Mistress's Little Plaything.
For those of you interested in objectification, giving up control, and have a strong desire to be of service to your Dom(me), this scene may be a great place to start. Within the sub's desires/boundaries/limits, this role play dictates that the Dom(me) uses her sub in whatever way he or she sees fit. As it can be difficult for a newbie to create a scene for themselves, this one puts the majority of the scene crafting on the Dom(me). Depending on the sub's preferences, it can include being a f*cktoy, punching bag, sissy boy, torture victim, or lab rat.
2. A Sensation Platter.
For folks who aren't quite sure where they should focus their session, this scene can be a great introduction to various tools, implements, and sensations. The Dom(me) will strive to give you a wide spectrum of sensations from prickly/pinchy/scratchy to ones that penetrate deep into your muscles. Since this includes new types of stimulation for the sub, the Dom(me) will play on the light/moderate end of the spectrum. Unless you find one you really like, that is!
3. A Trip To The Principal's Office.
For clients who have a fantasy about their Teacher, Caregiver, Captor, or Doctor, a classic kinky role play might be for them. These types of scenes tend to be for people who enjoy a more interactive, playful, and creative type of scene. Role play involves improvisation and collaboration between you and your Dom(me). The two of you can have fun creating a story, characters, and incorporate whatever kinks you like along the way!
4. Obedience Training.
This is quite literally, the perfect scene for a beginner. This is because obedience training involves the Dom(me) teaching the sub his/her specific protocol or rules. This usually involves training on positions, etiquette, and what is generally expected of a sub during a session. If you like being inspected, told what to do, and don't mind the correcting that goes along with it, then obedience training might be for you.
5. Sensory Deprivation/Overload.
Do you crave intensity? Or meditative stillness? Perhaps you long to be deprived of your senses in a blindfold or hood, so that other sensations are amplified? Or maybe you dream about experiencing too much stimuli for your brain to process? Either kink, or a scene that goes from one to the other, can be an intensely erotic experience for a new sub. If you picture your first time with a Pro being surprising, vulnerable, and intense, then sensory play might be for you.
6. How To Dominate Your Partner.
This is a great session idea for couples looking to learn more about the nuances of Domination. The Pro can be a hands on tutor for one of the clients, while the other acts as the demo bottom. The Pro can give a live presentation Dominating one of them, while the other watches and takes notes. The Pro can be the one watching on the side lines, and directing/suggesting/encouraging the couple as needed. Any way you look at it, the couple will be thrilled with this intimate workshop experience.
7. Sit Boy, Sit!
Pet play is a kink that is increasing in popularity because of its accesibility to new comers. This type of role play is playful, pain free, and pleasurable. It can incorporate learning new tricks, going for walks around the dungeon, rough housing, cage training, or being pet on the head. The Dom(me) (or Handler, in this instance) may put a collar and leash on you, a butt plug tail, or a pup mask. If the care free world of a domesticated animal sounds desirable to you, then embrace your inner pup/kitty and make your first session a pet play one.
8. Playing Dress Up.
Whether it's to explore your relationship with gender, feel immasculated, or simply because you like wearing lingerie, dressing up in women's clothes is always a fun time. Depending how far you want to go, this type of scene could include a wig, make-up, nail polish, stockings, and heels. If it's your first time, the scene could involve slut training, or sissy training, that looks much like obedience training (above). Your Dom(me) may ask you to talk in a higher register, or give them a lap dance, or demonstrate fellatio on a dildo. If you're open to it, a scene like this could introduce you to a whole new feminine aspect of yourself.
9. Mistresses' Little Helper.
If you are the kind of person that completes tasks as your love language, enjoys serving, and finds pleasure in making your partner's life easier, then you can take this feeling into the dungeon as well. Your Dom(me) may ask you to give them a foot massage, or behave as human furniture, or perform some tasks around the dungeon. He/She may feel the need to test your fitness, endurance, or memory. Depending on your completion of the activities, you may deserve either a punishment, or a reward. All with the goal of making you the best little dungeon helper that you can be.
10. Nervous? Bring A Friend!
Do you have a competitive streak? Or an exhibitionist one? Maybe you just need someone to suffer along with you. The possibilities are endless when two subs enter the room. And if you don't have someone particular in mind, The Ritual Chamber has a Professional Sub to experience your session with you. Perhaps your Dom(me) will turn you against each other. Maybe they will force you to watch your loved one suffer, while you are bound helplessly beside them. Or there could be a cuckolding scenario, if you are into sensual play. With any combination of two subs, your session will be guaranteed to be twice as hot.